......alot of "irons in the fire"

Hi everyone. Today is a low day for me. The reason why I state this is because I have been thinking about everything that has transpired over the last few months regarding Zachary and myself. It's been tough and today I can't seem to handle it in anyway but to write about what is in my heart and what has caused it to toughen up slightly.

I look at today's entry as a day of reflection. This involves past occurrences, feelings, and Zachary's health as well as hope which has begun to dim. Over the past few months, I have wrote entries regarding Zachary's day by day fiascos involving his nights and his health involving Houston. Now I want to discuss what everything has done for me as well as him and what I see as a person from the outside looking in.

First, let me say everything that all of you have done for him has been great and has given me hope. People who don't know us to step in and write, give, or speak with us...well it took alot of thought to do this and I understand this is something average people don't do. It takes an outstanding person to do this for someone they don't personally know. I thank you for everything you have done. At this time there's alot of "irons in the fire". I think they are great possibilities for Zachary to get his ultimate dream. But will this actually happen?? Honestly, I have no idea what will happen. The conclusion of this "dream" are two possibilities. One, it may happen; but this will take time. Two, Zachary will have his surgery, I will continue to remain in contact with all of you; but as far as his "dream" happening, it won't be a reality. I'm beginning to think more rationally. As far as my beliefs with Zachary's health and his dream, I believe for him because I would like him to experience this in every way possible. What parent doesn't want their child to have their wish?? Realistically, I'm not sure if this will ever happen. Don't get me wrong, I want this to happen; but I don't know if it ever will. This hurts me because I feel like I'm not being honest with Zachary. I know people, like me, have a life outside everything else. I respect that more than anything. But as the second trip to Houston approaches, Zachary's dream, in reality, is only a dream. I try to think positive; but D Day is coming. So I try to keep my mind on his upcoming surgery and how will he be afterwards. Will he remember me?? My heart says yes; but my mind fears the cold hand of reality again. Once again, I stand alone with Zachary; not against the world, but against life and how unfair it can be. I see what dreams can do to someone even a child. Dreams can make a person and destroy everything they stand for. I don't want this to happen to Zachary, so I have accepted that these thoughts will only be dreams until they become reality.

Zachary, my family, and I will continue to live our lives with or without the dream; but for Zachary, I will not lose sight completely of it for it is his hope and mine to see him smile.