A mothers cry - journal entry - Dec.4, 2006

Good morning, everyone!! Last night was pretty WILD!! Zachary had a tough night, like all the others, he was violent. As one half of the parental unit, I experience this mostly first hand. His father, on the other hand, is working all the time and doesn't see alot of what I see. He does have "memories" that he shares with Zachary as well. What are they, you ask? The ones I know of consist of, going fishing, to the hunting camp, vacations, and running errands together. I'm not alone at all in raising Zachary. Even though Zachary's father works, he is still in Zachary's life. My husband's bond with Zachary is totally different from Zachary's and mine. I don't know it's hard to explain from my stand point. All I can tell you is it's there.

Zachary also shares a "bond" with Oscar, my husband's boss, "adopted" Zachary as his "son". I can't explain it, but Zachary has a gift which "draws" people to him. Once you get to know him, you will never be the same. It's hard to explain, it goes very deep. But what I can say is you have to experience it for yourself. I do know from personal experience, people don't tire of him easily.


All of what I've wrote about and experienced first hand are Zachary's gifts or "qualities". Not only is he a "special child" by disability alone, he is a "special child" in spirit. To me, he has this "positive aura" following him and it "attracts" people to it as if it were "bees to honey". He is AMAZING!! Zachary may not completely understand you or what is going on around him; but he can pull you into "his world" and for a brief moment, everything you know about the world comes to a halt. I compare it to an "out of body experience" or a dream. In Zachary's world, we are not there. It's possible to be apart of it for a short time, but it never lasts. It's like going to a movie. The movie begins, you watch it, feel like you are apart of it, and it ends. BACK TO REALITY and the OLD life you have become adapted to!! Sad but true, that's how my life is day and night. I will never get "close" enough and it KILLS me.