A mothers cry - journal entry - Dec.3, 2006

This morning, unlike the others, has been a pretty good morning. Besides being woke up at 3 am with Zachary's violent seizures, I slept well. I'm pretty used to waking up at the same times every morning, which include 3 and 5:30 am. I am on constant watch for something "wrong" to go with Zachary. These actions are comparable to a new father waiting for his overdue pregnant wife to go into labor. You never know when to make the actual trip to the hospital. So with that, I have become what most people call a "clock watcher". It is getting old, but every night is a new one. This is not a game!! The only thing that remains unanswered is, "How will it go tonight or "How long will it last??"


Zachary has had a schedule forever. Not just any kind of schedule. He has the normal schedule, which includes, eating, bath time, television (Kiss), and play. He also has medicine times and with that includes sleep. That's about all the medicine does anymore. Unbelievable enough, Zachary is a different person at school than at home. What do I mean by this?? He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A split personality which only changes when he changes locations. Like them, he has violent "mood swings" and from those can result in seizure activity. Some doctors call it "defiance". My husband and I can tell the difference between being defiant and a full seizure. The question which remains is " What kind of seizure will he have tonight?" Zachary has four different kinds of seizures, which follows the occasional "black out". After this occurs, it may take a few hours for him "come out of it", because he sleeps after it is over. Unfortunately, he never remembers it.


So every night, it's pretty much the same ritual at our home. Zachary keeps my husband and I "on out toes", while we both are looking for the "light at the end of the tunnel" so these nightmares, that are haunting our son, will someday end.