Thursday, November 30, 2006

A mothers cry - journal entry - Nov. 30 2006

Today, as I sit at my computer, I'm having a pretty off day regarding Zachary. As a parent, I feel totally powerless when it comes to the medical treatment of our son and that my husband and I are suppose to "wait" for a miracle. The miracle in our life occured when Zachary was born and now we are having to fight to keep him alive!! It seems so unfair when it is a child that's hurting and you as the parents are suppose to "make it better".

Also the balance of "this life" he is living remains in the hands of the doctors. Because of this, we have lost total control and we have to learn to TRUST. Personally, if I could go through brain surgery again to relieve what Zachary's going through, I would. What sends "chills" down my spine is that Zachary knows he is sick and it's not because we told him or treat him differently. It tears us apart to know he feels it and there is nothing we can do (that we haven't done) to take the pain away. As Zachary's mother, I have seen changes in him this week and I know it's not what he was diagnosed with but what needs to be removed. So what keeps my husband and I going is Zachary and to not take "No" for an answer. Because even if the doctors are doing what they can for him, I know he has his own "personal angel" watching him to and telling me not to cry.

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